Why You Can’t Find the Right Partner

The Deep Hunger to Feel Chosen

I think it’s safe to say that we all want to feel chosen. And for many of us who have felt a bit more like an outsider, a bit “different” than the mainstream, a bit more sensitive, aware and tuned in… feeling chosen can feel almost like the deepest hunger of our life.

I know it was for me.

It seemed like no matter how “good” or “nice” or “loyal,” “accommodating,” “easy-going,” “giving” and “loving” I was to others whom I wanted most to feel closest to… I just couldn’t get them to choose me. I always somehow felt ‘not enough’.

In today’s writing I’m not going to spend much time on the partners who did seem to choose me… because I wasn’t equally choosing them back. And honestly, that says something very important about the dating journey and finding your person.

It’s a quest to find the person who does choose all of you — and also, that you choose all of them. It’s a mutual match.

And from the sound of me writing that, it feels equal in the choosing. Neither one is half in, half out. Both people are all in.

And honestly, that is the foundation of a healthy, conscious relationship. But this is for another time, another writing.

Today is about shining a light on how we’re approaching dating to find our match. And the underlying pattern that may be causing us to still attract people not suitable for us, causing a lot of frustration for being in one failed relationship after another, and ultimately worried we will end up alone.

When Dating Becomes About Being Chosen

I think the fear of ending up alone can quietly change the entire way we approach dating.

Instead of entering a new relationship asking, “Do I actually like this person? Do I feel good? Do I like myself around them? Is this someone I’m looking for?” our attention is more on, “Do they like me? How much do they like me? Are they just seeing me? Are they choosing me? How do I make sure I don’t lose them?”

When our focus becomes being chosen, we slowly start to leave ourselves behind in the process… and the person that is left in the dating and relationship building is the agreeable, nice, over-giving, overly thoughtful, over-forgiving, overly empathetic to them, rationalizing their behaviors while judging our own.

All in the name of keeping this relationship steady and progressing.

And what happens is that that person begins to learn about you as this person you are portraying — not the real you.

What Happens When You Leave Yourself Behind

That real you comes out a year or two later and shocks the person you’ve been in a relationship with because suddenly you’re not so agreeable. You don’t always want what they want. You do have feelings. You don’t like some of the things they’ve been doing all this time. And you start to blow up after months or years of holding it down.

And here’s the part we don’t often realize:

If you’re not showing up as yourself while dating, how is the person who is actually right for you supposed to find you?

We often think that our feelings are too much and that they’re going to scare everyone away. We doubt our needs and think what we’re asking for is “too much.” We think the parts of us we’ve been hiding away could never be actually liked or for us to be safe enough to show without them running in the opposite direction.

And we got this evidence from past life moments when we did receive rejection, or were misunderstood or even minimized/judged for being real, but this doesn’t mean every person is like this.

You see, there’s an interesting phenomenon that takes place when someone chooses to finally own their truth, to stand by themselves, to own what’s real for them = others begin to take them more seriously. Respect is given.

And, of course, there’s also the ones that think, “OMG, you’re so demanding, you’re so difficult” → but these people are giving you important information, too.

They’re showing you that they are not on the same wavelength. They’re not here to build a mutually respectful relationship. They want what they want and there’s no openness for partnership.

“If you’re not showing up as yourself while dating, how is the person who is actually right for you supposed to find you?”

The Irony: You End Up Doing All the Chasing

Also, I want to say something else that’s super important about going into dating secretly wanting to be chosen…

The people you tend to match with then cause you to do all the chasing!

Yes, it’s ironic. Because here you are seeking someone to choose you but you’re unconsciously doing all the things to try and get them to choose you, and making the conditions super easy for them so that there’s no work required on their end.

Here’s the thing: if you are wanting a healthy, mutual relationship with someone who genuinely respects + values you, those types of people probably aren’t intentionally choosing a hungry/thirsty, easy woman to build a life partnership with.

They want a secure woman.

What Being Secure Actually Looks Like

This doesn’t mean that you never get anxious, or jealous, or needing reassurance sometimes.

A secure woman knows how to show up for herself when those feelings come up, and even more, she knows how to communicate those feelings to her partner without putting the pressure on him to make it better or to take care of her. They work through it together and find a mutual understanding and then solution together.

The difference here is: she isn’t trying to convince him to choose her. She isn’t waiting for him to choose her to finally feel loved, valuable, or safe. She’s built this knowing already within herself.

And she’s showing him who she is and allowing him to decide whether he can meet her there.

And at the same time she’s paying attention to his response, kinda like collecting data:

• Does he care about what matters to her?
• Does he try to understand?
• Is there room for her feelings in this relationship?
• Is he willing to work through the differences with her?

And she’s focused on, “Is this person the right fit for me?”

Photo by Romina Ahmadpour on Unsplash

You Don’t Need Everyone to Choose You

You don’t need every dating partner to fall in love with you, contrary to our secret daydreams of being surrounded by a posse of admiring + desiring men and us at the centre.

We just need the one!

The one that we choose back!

And it’s only when we are connected to ourselves AND showing our real, full, emotional, honest, shadow-parts self that when we have found a connection with someone who can stand with us + love all of us, that we can actually trust the connection that we’ve found… because it was formed on truth + honesty, and not on façade + fear.

This is what I think we’re really looking for when we say we want to feel chosen…

…we don’t just want someone to stay.

We want the experience of being deeply known and still chosen.

But we can’t experience that kind of love if we’re hiding ourselves from the very beginning.

And that is why being yourself isn’t just important for finding your partner.

It’s what allows you to feel safe in the love that you found. ♡