How to Be Single

How to Be Single

by | 0 comments

 For as long as I can remember, I have been obsessed with boys. The first 11 diaries of my life can back me up on this… from age 8 to 25 are filled with the glorification and worship of the boys in my life at the time. It’s funny, most of whom I wrote about didn’t realize I had these crazy, punch-drunk love feelings for them because I would admire them from afar. I loved the way they walked, the way they talked, they way they handled themselves so confidently. As I look back on my past self, I can’t help but smile and feel compassion for the little girl who was so clueless at what having self-worth and being confident was really all about. The moment a pretty boy would lend me their beautiful eyes I would melt into a puddle of my own worthlessness.

We Give In to Ourselves for Love

In How to Be Single, they referred to this as Dick Sand, and that’s exactly what it feels like for us women. We get so excited over the idea of falling deeply in love, that we begin to let go of what’s important to us and what makes us special. We begin to let go of our own ambitions, our own priorities and sometimes our own friends. This dick sand is cozy and inviting at first, but before you know it you’re up to your knees and sinking further and further into their world. By default, we lose sight of our own world.

I’ve seen it over and over again with my clients. We continue to chase, bend, and twist to satisfy our men’s desires.

The things I would do for my men… from busing for 1.5 hours each weekend when they made the trip in my direction just once, to contemplating on dying my hair because he preferred blondes more, to cutting my meals in half because he noticed I had gained five pounds, to agreeing NOT to go out clubbing on the day of my 19th birthday after excitedly anticipating the night all because he just didn’t feel like it, to hushing my own thoughts and opinions in order to not upset him.

Even though we’re aware of our drastic change in character, we continue to allow ourselves to melt for them. It’s not their fault. It’s our own. We have been programmed in our mind that we must look, act and be a certain way in order to get men’s attention and arousal. We do this to sustain our value in the relationship, to make sure we’re not forgotten. 

But what about you?

What about your life?

What about all the things you long to do, love, be and have?

The thing that struck me in this movie, because it hit my pain point right on the head, is that we are so caught up in finding the one to fall to start a life with that we forget to enjoy our own life in the mean time. The time right before we meet the man of our dreams that does treat us right and that does value our values and our dreams. This precious gap of time before you find the one is pretty much the only time you will get to spend both on and with yourself. It’s the only time you’ll really get to know and love yourself; to learn to praise and honor yourself. You are special and your life deserves to be just as awesome as anyone else’s.

Being Single is Freedom to Grow and Explore

It isn’t enough to be single, ladies. You can be single and gloat and moan over how you wish to be in a relationship. Or you can be truly single by intention because you are choosing to use this time to fulfill any bit of burning desire that still lies within you. Whether that’s to travel the world, to write a book, to speak on a TEDx stage, to become a part of the fight in women trafficking, to volunteer at an elephant sanctuary in South East Asia, or to swim with the sharks—whatever that may be for you. You are choosing to do it and live it.

We can love our men, but we need to learn to love ourselves more. 

The thing about being single is it will be gone before you know it. Before you know it you’ll be meeting that person that changes everything, and you’ll be starting to build this new life with them. Someday soon you’ll be too busy. Too busy taking your kids to school or to their after school activities. Too busy excelling in your career. You won’t have that time to find yourself. You won’t have that time to live out your dreams, because at that point your childrens’ dreams will be most important to you. So before any of that happens in your life, take the time to enjoy being Single. Sit outside in your garden and read your favorite book, get lost in a new city and find your way back home, connect with new people and discover something new about yourself. Take this moment in your life to really, truly stand on your own and truly be single. Life is far too short to get all caught up in someone else’s sinking sand. How about you try getting stuck in your own for a while?

with love, Anita

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Just For You

Get the first recording of the Fierce & Feminine Series for free! This will also give you access to monthly inspiration on how to lead your life Fiercely Feminine.

yes, please!

How to Be Single

by | 0 comments

Dating an individual with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style is not impossible, but it is challenging (especially for an anxious-attacher aka an individual with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style). 

A healthy relationship is possible when both parties understand their own attachment style going into the relationship, are actively working on themselves and can express and communicate their needs in healthy ways to one another.

A healthy relationship is not possible however when either or both persons don't know their attachment style AND are an anxious and avoidant pairing because subconsciously and at a core level, the anxious person is so desperate for love, intimacy and connection while the avoidant is also longing for love and security in a relationship but is so afraid of rejection and pain that they have a great tendency to avoid getting too close altogether.

If an anxious and avoidant are in relationship together ​this is when they begin the push and pull dance of intimacy. This is a rollercoaster of emotions mixed with protest behaviors and insecurities from the anxious-attacher and distancing and dismissing from the avoidant.

If you are an anxious-attacher, know this: we have a tendency to want the relationship to move faster into love and deep feelings in the dating phase than an avoidant would. It's not up to the anxious person to convince, persuade or push the avoidant into loving them faster or to comitting to the relationship sooner.

Even in the very early days in the dating phase of a relationship there's a difference in how an anxious verus an avoidant wishes to connect. Where an anxious person would like to talk to and connect with their dating partner every day, if not throughout the day, the avoidant-attacher would be easily comfortable with every couple of days to few days.

This can set alarm bells off for the anxious-attacher, making them think that this person is no longer into them, or that they're seeing other people. Even though it may not be the case! This is when we begin to push them for more connection; expressing in subtle or overt ways that we feel the connection has changed, that they have changed and we demand to know and understand why.

Unfortunately this reaction does the exact opposite of what we want-- it pushes our partner away.

The more we push, the more they pull away. And so begins the cycle.

What is our role here in an anxious-avoidant relationship if you find yourself in one?

First, ask yourself:

Does this person have the ability and will to work on themselves and their own fears of intimacy?

How can I express my need for closeness and connection in a way that still respects their need for space and time to warm up in the relationship (I'm referring to if these two are in the dating phase)?

Can I provide this space and patience that this person needs to warm up to the relationship and build their feelings in their time (and not mine) while still taking care of my own needs? 

It's very important here to be super clear with yourself on what are and are not willing to tolerate, especially at the beginning of a new relationship. You must first and foremost honor yourself.

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Just For You

Get the first recording of the Fierce & Feminine Series for free! This will also give you access to monthly inspiration on how to lead your life Fiercely Feminine.

yes, please!