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I struggled or still struggle to really know who I am, what I value and what I'm passionate about
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I tend to put other's needs and feelings before my own
Have you thought about the price?
No
Yes
I assess the vibe that this person gives me and decide whether I can trust them or not.
I am good at communicating and compromising
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I tend to fall in love with the idea of a person and their potential
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Yes. I tend to catch feelings fast and fall fast, however those feelings come and go throughout and I often end up feeling confused about what I feel for them.
I'm really good at molding into different personalities depending on who I'm speaking to
When dating someone new, what my mind tends to assess of them is:
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If there's instant chemistry and if I'm physically attracted to them
If they like me and really see what I have to offer
If we have similar interests, values and beliefs
The fastest way to get me to open up is:
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Listening to what I'm sharing with you as much as you sharing vulnerably yourself
Yes - sitting a moment with what I'm feeling helps me understand how to take care of myself.
Enjoy my times with friends, both in groups or one on one, and I also like time to myself to unwind and just relax.
Enjoy my time with close friends who get me, but also need my time alone to connect with myself
Enjoy my time with friends but need time alone to read, work on my projects, or other important things
I listen to what they have to say and see how I can change my behavior to show up better next time.
Am willing to talk about it, but it's usually a marker that things aren't working and will ultimately end sooner than later.
Push to talk about the situation. I feel uneasy leaving things for too long.
Talk about the conflict together and find a solution that feels right for both people.
I let them know I need some time to process this and suggest a time when we can come back together to talk about it.
I usually was the one who started the argument! I continue telling them what they're not doing and how it upsets me.
My emotions tend to feel out of control and I don't feel I can trust them.
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After a break-up, my usual way of coping is/was:
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Take time to grieve and process the relationship before being ready to date again
When it comes to texting someone I just started dating, I prefer:
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Texting every couple of hours.
To text eachother when we feel like it, no pressure on how often.
When it comes to making decisions for myself and my life..
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I ask for help when I know I need it, but if no one is free to help, I figure it out on my own
I'm indecisive and get trapped in the decision-making process far longer than I should.
I tend to show up as hot and cold in my relationships, where one moment I really like the person and the next I want to break up with them.
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When it comes to relationships, a deep fear of mine is:
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I feel angry and resentful, get tongue-tied, and can't seem to speak up for myself
I sometimes don't see it, but when I do I feel said and don't know what to do or say.
In dating, when things are moving too fast or too quickly, I...
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I start feeling clausterphobic and want to end the relationship, even though a part of me wants to also stay so I'm not alone
I talk to them about slowing it down a bit so we can have a chance to know eachother more
When I'm dating someone, I have no problem keeping focus on my stuff and what's important to me
No. My mind tends to get easily distracted by thinking about the person I'm dating and wondering what they're doing
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Anxious-Preoccupied
The dating phase for anxious-preoccupieds tends to be challenging. Because of your hunger for love, connection and closeness, you sometimes find that others cannot meet you in that same hunger. You have a tendency to show up a bit eager and excited to move into a relationship or into the bedroom too quickly, often before you've assessed if this person you're dating is right for you.
The biggest wound for an anxiously attached individual is the abandonment wound. This is why there can also be a tendency to people-please or try and impress the other person. It's a subconscious strategy to get our needs for validation and acknowledgement met as well as to feel worthy of love.
Anxious-attachers tend to have extreme expectations of the person they're dating as well. This can come off as seeming "needy", "critical" and "controlling", when what's happening beneath the surface is their unmet needs from childhood are revealing themselves and now hoping that this person can fill it all for them.
Because of the fear of abandonment, there's also a tendency for anxious-preoccupieds to stay in relationships that are unhealthy or not longer working. This is because the fear of being alone is so great. Being alone often feels empty and lonely.
Key learnings for the anxious-preoccupied individual:
1. Learn to slow down in the dating phase so that you can practise really seeing the other person and if they're a right fit for you. Ask yourself "how is this person making me feel?" "How do we connect?" "Does this person listen? Are they engaged in what I have to say? Are they present?"
2. To turn your focus on creating a life that you love. A life that encompassing all parts of you that give you joy. This will bring your focus and passion back into your life so that you don't need to look for happiness outside of yourself. Start with bringing a new hobby that you've always wanted to try into your week and keep it consistent. It will bring new opportunities for discovery more about yourself and even make some new friends along the way. You want to create your own universe of hobbies, passions, goals, and personal experiences.
3. Take note of when you expecting too much from the person. If you're being critical, see if you can communicate what you need instead. If you're thinking thoughts of "why aren't they doing X?" Ask yourself "Am I being reasonable or is this too much to expect?"
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Dismissive-Avoidant
When you're getting to know someone in the dating phase you prefer to take your sweet time with them. You don't feel you need to see them or text them every single day. You prefer to go with the flow. And when it comes to being exclusive and comitting to a relationship, you tend to need a longer amount of time.
Growing up, you learned to become really independent. You enjoyed being in your own world and have no problem being alone.
One of the biggest wounds for a dismissive-avoidant is having someone make you feel like you've done something wrong. This is why when dating someone who tends to be needy and wanting more than what you're able to give, this wound can get triggered. Naturally, people who seem needy and too emotional or lovey-dovey too soon turn you off. Equally, if there's too much head-butting or challenges, you think it's just not working and end the relationship instead of trying to work through it.
There's an invisible wall that you tend to put up and keep up around new people. In fact, dismissive-avoidants have a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy (becoming too vulnerable and sharing feelings) by chasing sex to fulfill their need for intimacy instead. This can lead to more short-term relationships where you get physically connected fast, but no real foundation is built.
Equally, when conflict arises in the dating phase, there's a tendency to point fingers and blame to the other person and not see the impact your words and behavior was and therefore not acknowledge or take full responsibility for it. So when conflict arises, there's a tendency to end the relationship instead of work through it together.
The problem is, the Dismissive-Avoidant doesn't like conflict and also doesn't like vulnerable conversations (because it feels so icky and uncomfortable) so learning to be a bit more comfortable having these open and somewhat vulnerable conversations would be the first step.
Key learnings for the Dismissive-Avoidant in Dating:
1. Take time to understand what your specific needs are when in the dating phase so that you can communicate openly and clearly to the person you're dating. So for one, explain that you need more time in the dating phase. That your style of texting is not every few hours but every few days (or whatever your preference is).
2. Because your tendency is to leave relationships or cut them off quickly, try to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Dating in itself is nerve-wracking, and people sometimes show their nervous side more than their real, authentic and grounded side. Of course, know your limits. Some people will just not be right for you.
3. This third one is two-fold. First, learn to identify your feelings by naming them when you get triggered or upset. Then once you're comfortable with identifying your feelings, bring this into conflict resolution conversations as a practise in being a bit more vulnerable. Vulnerability is scary because it's allowing someone INSIDE your world. And this is scary because you've learned as a child that your inner world is your ONE safe haven all for yourself. It was where you would retreat to. But you can still let someone peek through the window of your world by explaining to them how it makes you feel.
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Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized)
Many Fearful-Avoidants tend to think that they are Anxious-Preoccupieds at first, because they share a lot of the same qualities as them. It gets confusing though, because sometimes in dating they find themselves actually pushing people away!
This is the attachment style of a fearful-avoidant. They have a hot and cold approach to love. Sometimes you want them close, and othertimes you want your space. It can be not only confusing to you as you're trying to figure out what's going on on the inside, but also to the person you're dating because they're getting mixed signals and don't know where they stand with you.
A big trigger for Fearful-Avoidants are anxious types who come across as overly needy or dependent. The reason behind this is there's a deep fear of being engulfed and having their freedom taken away. This is usually because, as a child, their boundaries were constantly crossed by a parent or family member, where they felt they had no say, little choice, or little validation for their choices and ways of living and being.
Fearfuls tend to find themselves initiating relationship termination conversations often, but then shortly after changing their mind and convincing their partner to come back. It's this hot and cold.
Fearful-avoidants tend to have grown up in a home environment where there was a lot of chaos, this is why they tend to seek out chaos in relationships. If the relationship is feeling too good, too smooth-sailing, they tend to create conflict in order to create chaos because that is what's most familiar to them in close relationships: the intense rollercoaster connection.
Some patterns for the Fearful-avoidant are that they tend to be overgivers, to the point of exhaustion. They also tend to not follow their gut when choosing a dating partner, and often stay in a relationship far longer than they know is healthy or fulfilling.
They find it difficult to trust people, and often believe the stories their head tells them, rather than looking at the facts. Feaful-avoidants are BIG into telling themselves false stories about themselves and others. This adds to the lack of trust, but it makes sense, because they often felt they couldn't fully trust their primary caregivers (mother, family, another family member) growing up.
Key learnings for the Fearful-Avoidant in Dating:
1. Learn to question the stories your mind tells you about yourself and about others, and begin looking at the facts. Because there's a tendency to paint a black filter over people (due to the lack of trust), we misunderstand people or don't see them fully. Learn to give people the benefit of the doubt, but also learn when they are not right for you by listening to your intuition and NOT questioning it!
2. Take time to understand what your specific needs are in dating. Do you like to move at a good pace? or take your time? Remember, it can differ depending on who you're dating (and what their attachment style is. Hint: with a Dismissive - you'll occur more anxious; with an Anxious - you'll occur more dismissive). Don't forget to communicate what you need with your dating partner.
3. Learn to follow your intuitive voice. Because you grew up in an environment where others placed their thoughts, opinions and ideas onto you, you didn't have the proper environment to really discover your own, authentic voice. Practise speaking from your heart, without filters of people-pleasing or approval-seeking. You are your own person and the driver's seat of your own life. No one else.
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Secure
Growing up you had parents/ caregivers and people generally be good to you. They really listened, they validated your feelings and your experiences, who sees you and celebrates you for you. Or, maybe you didn't have that growing up but now you're in a relationship with a partner who does see you, validate you, and love you without conditions.
These are the key components to a secure relationship!
Because of this secure relationship you tend to not take things so personally when someone gets upset or mad at you, because you understand that whatever they might be saying to you is "their stuff".
You enjoy the dating phase because you are comfortable showing yourself and speaking your truth while also getting to know the person in front of you at a steady, comfortable pace. This is easy for you because you are comfortable being vulnerable when the time is right and when you read the person in front of you is capable of having a more deep conversation.
There's no rush into relationships because you take the take to get to know who this person is and make an informed decision on whether you'd like to move forward with them after every date.
When it comes to conflict, you approach it as an important conversation to have with this person and your goal is to find a solution together, not be right or point blame.
You might also be in a relationship already. Secures are great at commitment and long-term relationships.
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